Who Am I?

They came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Gerasenes.  And when he had stepped out of the boat, immediately a man out of the tombs with an unclean spirit met him.  He lived among the tombs; and no one could restrain him any more, even with a chain; for he had often been restrained with shackles and chains, but the chains he wrenched apart, and the shackles he broke in pieces; and no one had the strength to subdue him.  Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always howling and bruising himself with stones.  When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and bowed down before him; and he shouted at the top of his voice, "What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God?  I adjure you by God, do not torment me."  For he had said to him, "Come out of the man, you unclean spirit!"  Then Jesus asked him, "What is your name?"  He replied, "My name is Legion; for we are many."  He begged him earnestly not to send them out of the country.  Now there on the hillside a great herd of swine was feeding, and the unclean spirits begged him, "Send us into the swine; let us enter them."  So he gave them permission.  And the unclean spirits came out and entered the swine; and the herd, numbering about two thousand, rushed down the steep bank into the sea, and were drowned in the sea.  The swineherds ran off and told it in the city and in the country.  Then people came to see what it was that had happened.  They came to Jesus and saw the demoniac sitting there, clothed and in his right mind, the very man who had had the legion; and they were afraid.   - Mark 5:1-15

I have been thinking about this Gospel story a lot today.  It was once explained to me this story and the healing of the demoniac was probably an encounter Jesus had with a man suffering from severe mental health illness.  It makes sense.  A man who was forced to live in the worst of conditions, often chained up because people were afraid of him.  A man who was 'possessed' by unclean spirits, so over-taken with them, he had lost himself.

I have spent a lot of time the last two days with Legion.  A woman who cannot forgive her parents for their faults, another woman who is over-come with grief about the loss of her father, a man grieving his mother's death but is afraid to cry, a man over-come with an addiction to alcohol, a woman who cannot control her emotions and can cry and laugh and yell and smile in the same breath, and a woman who has a faith deeper than anyone I know unable to see the purpose in living anymore.  I have encountered these human souls, felt their pain, and heard the voice of Legion calling out from them.

Often these people are living on the out-skirts, shackled and chained.  People stay away because they are scared.  Often plagued by behavior which can scare even themselves, my patients are longing for a healing touch, for inclusion, for love.

And they call for me.  Why? 

I really want to know.

More and more I am feeling a call from God to minister to those in the midst of mental health and substance abuse crisis.  It is in sitting with these people, whose souls are ripped open and exposed for everyone to see, I can feel God the most.  They may feel lost and forgotten, but I can see God reflected in their eyes, and my prayer is I can reflect it back to them.

What amazes me about the healing of Legion, is he recognized Jesus and rushed to him.  He recognized Jesus when no one else did.  He recognized him, rushed to him, and bowed down before him.  Perhaps because his soul was so opened/ripped it could see the Holy better than those of us who keep our souls closed off and protected.  And when the man was blessed by Jesus, his soul was finally at peace.

My patients are calling out for healing.  They are calling out for peace.  They are calling out from their shackles and chains, looking for the love which only God can provide.  And they turn to me and I pray.  And I pray.  And I pray. 

I pray I do not fail them.  I pray I can show them the love of God which I know is there.  I pray I can give them a moment of peace.

Who am I to be called to do this?  Who am I to be trusted with such tender souls?  I sometimes want to run away, not be pulled into their human messiness, not hear another horrific story, and feel anymore pain.  But then I sit with them, look them in their eyes, and see God.  And I am drawn in.  It is in the depths of their souls they find the Peace from the Giver of Peace, and I get to see a reflection of it.  It shines through them, if only for a moment, and alights upon my heart.  Who am I to be so blessed?